Recently I came across a deep confusion about my life and spiritual journey. Since I am going through some kind of transformation of my life and my inner world, many things are changing, beliefs crumbling and new ideas are arising. A lot of it seems quite contrary to the person I was believing to be two years ago, so no wonder that it has been a very intense and arduous journey….
Naturally, it came to the point, where I found myself in a big maelstrom of doubt, frustration and unwillingness to do any more work on myself. Exhausted as I was, I started to ask myself, for what all of that?
What if all that personal development just made a big mess out of my life?
What if I was just having some attack of craziness and in the end I would ruin all I have built for myself?
What if I was just a victim of some “New Age Spiritual Transformation”- Sh!t and I just used it as an excuse? Or worse, what if I had fallen to some trend, and just wanted to make myself more special than I actually was?
And how come that I even thought that I would manage a complete life make-over? Someone like me? Someone who is just exhausted and right now really broken? What if I was just a bug, a defect in the social program?
All these doubtful questions came from some deep dark corner of me and I was shocked when they surfaced. But they were there and I wanted to deal with them because I felt that they are there for some reason and that I could learn a valuable lesson out of that. So I sat in front of my notebook, not satisfied with the prospect that these past two years were non-sense. It simply did not feel right!
And there it was! It did not FEEL right. There was no concrete thought, just that vague feeling, that the thoughts in my mind were not representing the truth. I realised that deep inside of me I held the feeling that all is fine and well. That there was never any event in my life in the past, which did not turn out to be well for me in the end. That no matter how great the pain, the effort, the doubt and the fear – in the end I always came out of all, gaining something instead of destroying and losing.
A small voice in the back of my head started whispering to me then…
…There is never anything broken in this world or anything defect. Even a pot that breaks is absolutely perfect in that because it was its purpose to break. More so, in the moment of breaking it carries it out with the greatest care and effort. If that broken pot were imperfect, it wouldn’t have broken in the beginning. All there is, is there because it is supposed to BE. There is nothing that is NOT supposed to be because than it simply wouldn’t.
That’s why there is never a thing, where you can truly fail. There is no way that you are broken, there is no way that something is a mistake. All there is, is supposed to be….
Of course, what I sensed there, seemed so right to me. But I was not sure if to believe it. Moreover, how could I sense, if something was truly meant to leave my life and be that “broken pot” or if it was something, where I still needed holding on to. Again I got some help by my personal assistant in the background….
…Of course there are trying times and it is not about to simply put your hands into your lap and do nothing with the excuse that “it’s all supposed to be”. You have to keep on, you have to fight. But only under one requirement: when it feels right.
There is effort, which exhausts you, which feels heavy, slimy and sticky. And there is effort, which also exhausts you, but it feels light and right.
The first is acting out of your ego – in a manner of non-accepting the purpose of the broken pot. The latter is acting out of your own destiny – in a manner of flowing with your purpose no matter the outer circumstances. Trusting that even you don’t understand anything going around you, you eventually will arrive at your destiny.
In this moment I understood that I was not broken, not hiding behind fancy excuses and most importantly: I could never ruin or destroy anything in my life, which was meant to stay with me. And if it were destroyed than it was also perfectly fine from a greater perspective, since it was it’s purpose to be just that. Usually it is my ego hindering me to see the greater picture and that’s when doubts and frustration start to grow. But then, I start to tell myself a quote by Oscar Wilde…
Everything is going to be fine in the end.
If it’s not fine it’s not the end